Almost 1/2 of a year!

We new mothers now see everything differently. We now see ourselves in commercials, news stories, movies and TV anytime something has anything to do with children. Of course we watched or heard these same stories in our pre-baby lives, but now we see things with a zoom lens, magnifying events to such an extent that other people's children are now our children. Tonight, I saw a glimpse of my future self in Betty, a character in the series "Madmen," as she carried her daughter back to her own bed in the middle of the night. I saw Jasper, grown into a child-boy, visiting Nick and I in our bed in the middle of night after waking from a bad dream. I could easily feel his small boy legs wrapped around my waist, his arms around my neck while his head lay on my shoulder. I remember how that made me feel when I was small: safe and good and loved. And I imagine Jasper feeling that same way. I thought about how different night will be from what it is now and how different it already is from what it was when he was first born. 

On those nights, during those first weeks, he was so small, so helpless, so other-worldly. I couldn't sleep if I couldn't hear him breathing, and to hear him breathing he had to be right next to me in the crook of my arm. How would I know if he stopped breathing otherwise? It took me a few days or more to really love him, because what if I lost him? And then, once I finally said "I love you" out loud, it was even more important that I could hear him breathing. Though sometimes when I imagined the worst, there were fleeting moments where I could also see the benefits: I would have my life back, I could make more money, I could sleep in, I wouldn't be so terribly responsible for someone else's well-being for the rest of their life. And my love grows deeper and deeper everyday. And I can't imagine anything more important right now than this lovely boy-child-being who has gifted me/us with his presence. I watch him playing and moving and "talking" and he is so ALIVE. So determined to be alive, to be in the fullest sense - that I realize that I've stopped worrying as much as I did about him breathing - I only check for the rise and fall of his tiny chest sometimes instead of often. 

He lays asleep in my arms as we begin another episode, his head hangs limp over my arm, his mouth gaping, he's breathing deeply. I say out-loud to Nicholas and my mom, " Look at how tiny he still is! When he's awake, he is so big, there is no mistaking his personality, he is so present that I sometimes forget he is just a baby and when he's sleeping, I am surprised at how small he is." We are so much more than our physical body, that is more obvious and apparent to me now. 

Jasper is healthy, happy and growing exactly as he's meant to. We had our 6 mos well baby visit yesterday - though Jasper is 5 mos and 3 weeks now. He weighed in at 16 lbs (50% percetile) and 28 inches long (95% percentile.) I never remember his head circumference - but I do remember that it was in the 80% percentile. I don't really care about percentiles (you're saying, yeah right - why is she putting them up here then?) I just find them interesting non-sense. During the visit, the nurse asked me if I had any questions or concerns for Dr. Vigna - I really didn't. I like these check ups, though. I enjoy giving Dr. Vigna a snapshot summary of Jasper's achievements. I tell her during this visit that everyone (my mother circle of friends) is concerned about sleeping. Actually, everyone (not the mother circle of friends) asks about how Jasper is sleeping. Well, we are co-sleeping. And I like it. Why is it such a rush to get the baby to sleep all night by himself? I want to follow my instincts, not someone else's book advice (not to say books aren't helpful.)Everyone's solution is unique to their particular situation, the temperament of their baby and their capacity. I do not want unsolicited advice. Nor do I wish to impose my own views on anyone else. This time while Jasper is a baby is such a short period of time in the scheme of things, this time is precious to me. 

Here's what Jasper's accomplished since the last posting: his plowing has morphed into scooting - he stretches his arms in the direction he desires to go and pulls his legs up to propel him and actually reaches what he's aiming for. He continues to rock on all fours and can tuck his legs under him and prop himself on his side with one arm. Today, he actually sat up for a brief moment on his own without propping. He did this while conversing with his monkey. He started growling, which we gladly mimicked and we were rewarded with gleeful smiles and more growls. He continues experimenting with his voice and now screeches, which is often contrasted by sweet coos and da-das. 

Last week I gave him his first food: avocado. I mushed it into a creamy consistancy and added breastmilk. He loved it. Of course it was all-over everything, but I think he got the majority of it in his belly. Then I gave him some water in a small glass. He grabbed it with both hands and pulled it to his mouth, gulped some and let some fall out, and reached for more. He's eaten avocado a few times since then, with the same gusto.

This baby has so much energy - he's constantly moving - kicking his legs, reaching, talking, observing. My mom started calling him, "Red Kicking Legs." She also constantly warns us of how he's going to be fast and into everything and we better get this house childproofed! He'll be a little terror. And even though I know I'll be chasing after this kid - I also look forward to knowing him. His transformation from baby to toddler. His desires and interests. The rhythm of his gait once he walks. All the sweetness still to come.