Marriage is Hard Work

12 years ago or so I went to one of THE best weddings I  have ever attended. It was on a period boat that motored around Manhattan. It was in the Fall, on a beautiful night. The moon was full and hung low and golden above the skyline. I was moved to tears by the speeches people gave and the vows the couple read. The food was incredible, spreads of meats and cheeses, hors d'oeuvres, wine and beer. An amazing dinner and a beautiful and delicious cake. I did not attend with a date, I went with my sister. We danced all night till the boat docked. It could not have been a more perfect wedding for a more perfect couple. They were meant to be. 

Their story seemed even more romantic. He pursued her till eventually she fell in love with him. I even remember him telling me over a phone conversation we shared shortly after I graduated from college that he'd met the woman he was going to marry. He nearly died in a car accident and she stood by his side helping him to recover. He lost his best friend in that accident.

They moved from Soho to Brooklyn and I moved to Brooklyn shortly after they did (or was it before?) Those short years that we lived near each other were great. I got to know her much more. We all went out a lot together. We had fun. I witnessed how much they cared for each other and wanted that kind of relationship for myself. I felt intimately involved in the wedding planning. I cared just as much about the success of their wedding as I did for their marriage. I introduced them to their first dog as a married couple. Then, they moved to Rhode Island where they bought an amazing house and had their first child. She visited NYC a lot with their daughter and always seemed to make a point of seeing me when she did. It made me feel special and it fostered our friendship. He rarely came to visit, and it seems I grew to know him less despite our close friendship during college.

They both came with their daughter to my wedding, which was, in mood, highly inspired by theirs.

When I had my first child, she was my contemporary inspiration for pursuing a home birth, as she was the first of my friends to have her daughter at home.

These two people, who I love and admire, who make up the duo of one of my favorite couples, are getting divorced, I am sad to say. And while I am no stranger to divorce, my parents are divorced as are many of my friends parents. I am my husband's second wife. My best friend from college is divorced twice. I never expected them to get divorced. I am so sorry for this news. I don't even know what to say it is so surprising to me. Still, somehow, I am not surprised, because I know they have struggled with their own life baggage and their own relationship. And also I know very little because we've been so out of touch these last few years.  But if they can't make it, what does that mean for me? How will I make it? My husband and I struggle with many of the same issues (I suppose) with the exception of money - that may be one of our biggest struggles, and one I don't think they struggle with at all. Sometimes I feel that if my husband and I had a little more monetary comfort, some of our struggles would lessen: we could afford more therapy, take vacations, pay for a babysitter to go on dates, buy a bigger car now that we have two kids, the list goes on. They've been able to afford these things and still they are calling it quits.

I only found out this news because we are going to visit them in a couple of weeks. I suppose I would have found out sooner or later, but it's sooner because of this visit. After she told me of their decision to split, she asked if we still wanted to visit or if it'd be to uncomfortable. Of course it might be uncomfortable, but of course we still want to visit. Life goes on. She sounds pretty great despite the upheaval and chaos. As witness to their vows and the perfect wedding I attended years ago, I want to shout don't give up! Remember how you were! Bring it back to life! I want my family and friends to help me keep my marriage just as they all committed to do during my ceremony. And yet, I also know that marriage is very hard work and sometimes its too hard. I'm just so sad.

change is hard

My first child has been annoying me. I don't know how to be a better mommy when I am so irritated by him. His laugh is no longer genuine and spontaneous - it sounds maniacal and fake. He makes all kinds of sounds that are no longer exploratory but boisterously obnoxious. He's spastic and unaware of the repercussions of his bodily movements or his strength. I am constantly saying, "stop" or "don't" as he does all of these things uncomfortably close to his baby sister. He's made her cry when he taps her too roughly or clasps her too tightly. I hardly know how to talk to him to teach him or show him, as it seems when I do he's ignoring me and making some inane sound to drown me out. All this and he's just four.

Then there are these moments where he's completely self involved and telling a story with bits of nothing as the playthings. Or yesterday, when he was having a snack and so happy with it that his whole body vibrated and his baby sister just laughed and laughed at him. Or today when he laid down on the blanket in our backyard next to her as she just completed rolling over to her belly and they stared at each other smiling while she raised her head up and kept it up just to look at him.

We are in the middle of the 3rd week off from school before "summer camp" begins. I was much more creative with our time together - bringing him places, creating art projects, etc before I got pregnant. It's dwindled down to almost nothing now. I feel sad that he spends so much time entertaining himself while I nurse, feed or comfort the new baby. I think he might be sad for the change too.

Tonight I put both kids to bed on my own while Nicholas attends an all night Tee Pee ceremony for my brother's birthday. I really couldn't wait for bedtime. I wanted some peace. I feel so stiff and military while I cajole my child to eat dinner, stay in his seat, and stop playing and take a bite of food. Then it's upstairs and I bathe both kids. The cajoling continues as I demand that he take his clothes off and put them in the laundry. It all seems to take a lifetime to get through. But after the bath, it's starts to mellow. The baby is nursed and sits in her bouncy chair while Jasper snuggles into his bed with his bunny and I read him a goodnight story. One I had not read in awhile since Nick does bedtime with him now. And afterwards, I sing several songs. Ones I used to sing when I did bedtime before the baby. Songs I've been singing to him since he was a baby. During this routine, he softly says, " Mommy, I don't want my bunk bed anymore." I reply that we can talk about it tomorrow.

All his wacky antics are just his way of behaving in change, I am guessing. Having me put him to bed and singing those songs and saying he doesn't want his bunk bed is his was of saying he misses me putting him to bed. He had a queen bed before the baby came and often I'd sleep with him in it. Or at least snuggle him till he fell asleep. And he always fell asleep while I sang to him. It calms him, soothes him, makes him feel safe. It calms me too. Tonight he was asleep by 7:15pm. The baby was asleep by 8pm. It was an easy night. I just want to be able to relax during the day and be more free with my manner and less restricting of my son. He really is so sweet and delightful, despite all the fart and butt talk.

Good Mother

I've been struggling with being a good mom to my nearly 4 year old son. He's a great kid. I love him more than anything. Yet, when he has a temper tantrum, which is more frequent now than in any other time so far, I nearly lose my mind.

Of course, there are a lot of factors that bring these tantrums on: he's individuating, I'm pregnant and more limited than I previously was, he knows I'm pregnant and surely has fears about what that means for him when the new baby comes, and he's almost four.

The almost four part relates more to me. Being a parent also reopens memories from my own childhood. And although I do not remember being four that clearly anymore, I do know it was a significant time in my life. My parents divorced. My dad took me and my sister to Nebraska, far from my mom. There was a lot of upheaval. Suddenly my own issues about being mothered (& fathered) have emerged much more strongly as I look at myself in my son and see my mother in me.

Then today, as I was leaving the grocery store, I walked pass a red pick-up truck with a mother loading the truck bed with groceries and an older woman inside. There was a space behind the seats in the cab for people to sit, though narrow, and a small child, about my son's age, maybe younger, was sitting in the back. As I was walking by, I hear the older lady inside yell, "God damn him" and smack the kid. I hear what sounded like his head against the inside of the cab. I cringe. The mother comes to the passenger door and yells, "Why did you bite her?" The tone of their voices are harsh and without compassion. I do not know their circumstances, and I should not judge them. I feel so much sadness for this small child. And I wonder what the karma is for all of them.

And I think about my own son and how much I want to hit him when he tries to bite me, or hits and kicks me in his tantrums. And I feel grateful for my awareness to stop myself, to know that it's only a thought and I can be more to him than he understands himself. And that I am an adult with more refined capacity for understanding my feelings and curbing my reactions than he can. And I can look more deeply into myself to search for where I am coming from and be resourceful in finding help for myself so that I can be the parent I want to be. Be the model for him to refer to when he is older as an example of how to be when other people are challenging to be around, including those you love. And make him feel safe, above all else, to be who he is and feel loved no matter what. And I am able, just a little bit, to forgive myself for not being as good as I think I should be.

Whirlwind

Our house was full this past weekend, all for Jasper's 3rd birthday bash. My dad stayed with us all week and my mom joined us by Friday, back from NM, along with my friend Yvette from NYC, then my niece, Violet, came on Saturday, joined by my sister late Saturday night. So, that was 8 people on Saturday night!

Then the party was a success, with way too much food leftover.

The kids went off for naps a little late, but without a hitch. My brother and his wife came to pick Violet up and arrived, surprised that she was still asleep. They stayed through dinner, which my dad couldn't be there for cause he had to catch his flight back. Now that he was gone, a bed was free, and Neda convinced our brother's family to stay over, and they did - so on Sunday night we had 9 people sleeping in the house.

It was a wonderful family event - all of us together for breakfast on Monday morning with school and work cancelled due to snow and ice. Then they all left, except for my mom. And the house is relatively clean. Monday night we were down to 4 people in the house.

Tuesday morning, Jasper has school and I have work. Jasper is up at 5am, and pesters me all morning for teta. I am relentless. I do not give in. I can't stop cold turkey, so I tell him, teta is only for nap time. You can have some warm milk in a cup instead. He accepts this after 1.5 hours of pestering me. And indeed, it is now Tuesday night and we are only 3 people sleeping here tonight and the only teta had was at nap time and that's it. It wasn't easy - but it wasn't as hard as I thought it would be. Let's see how tomorrow goes.

3 years

He's 3 years, 30 lbs, and 37 inches tall. After the monthly infant check ups suddenly end at the first birthday, with annual check ups thereafter...Jasper had his 3rd one today. What a gem he was. In a new doctor's office only a few minutes from home, surrounded by screaming kids yelling "no, no no!" he was a superstar: cooperative, responsive, polite and calm. Beginning with getting his blood pressure taken, interacting with the hearing and vision tests to his willingness to pee in a cup and ending with getting a prick to take a sample of his blood - I felt so proud and relieved. At the same time, I really didn't expect too much different. He's always been superb at the doctor, as well as on planes and in most public places. He's interested and engaging with people everywhere we go. I do not feel fear for him. I let myself be open to his observations and do my best to take his cues while being fully there for him. Today I saw him as more grown up than ever. He even surprised me by saying that a square was a square, which I did not know he knew. After an hour and a half, we left. Outside the air was fresh and crisp, the sun golden - a beautiful day. We got settled in the car and I realized I was hungry. Jasper was too. We headed to the health food store and I purchased an Amy's frozen cheesey, noodle and veggie dish, ice cream sandwiches, chips and juice. Once on line, Jasper spies the lollypops and denying his request for one, completely melts down. Full on temper tantrum. I know he's tired and hungry. I let him cry. I say soothing things. The ladies in line tell me I am doing a good job. I didn't feel stressed, nor did I apologize for his fit. I just said thank you and accepted the offer to move to the front of the line. I paid and left carrying my groceries and 30 pound child to the car. I forced a screaming, kicking 3 year old into his car seat and drove home. I myself never lost it once. I was doing a good job. I let him cry at the door with his coat on while I got our lunches ready. Once the table was set, I scooped him up and offered the only surefire method of consolation: teta. While he nursed, I pulled off his coat and opened the chips. He let go and reached for a chip. Phew. We made it. He ate all his lunch and got the lollypop afterall. He didn't want it once he was reminded of the ice cream sandwich. Then we moved fluidly upstairs to brush teeth and take a nap. I am supposed to cut off the teta after the birthday party this Sunday. I wonder how well this will go over. I certainly won't have the luxury of calming him instantly like I did today. Nor will napping be a breeze. It's going to be a challenge.

Christmas Day

Slideshow

"what's the name of your dog?" asks Nicholas.

"Same Same." replies Jasper

"Same Same is a dog, and Tonk Tonk is a cat." Jasper explains further.

It's Christmas morning and Jasper has opened all his presents. He found a new dog in his stocking, along with a sippy cup, a race car mouse, dried fruit snacks and an electric toothbrush in the shape of Tigger. He loves the toothbrush - he proceeded to brush his teeth for a few minutes. Also from Santa he received some "lincoln logs" and 2 farm animal puzzles. From Mommy and Daddy, a set of felt fish and a rod to go fishing with. I made a set for him and for Violet.

Last night we opened presents with Anton, Alison, Violet, Wendy and Memere after dinner. Dinner was Indian themed, with coconut squash soup and papadam as a first course, followed by cinnamon, cumin, cardamom spiced coconut basmati rice, daal, and curry cauliflower with yellow raisins, tamari almonds, capers, onion and garlic. Nicholas made a salad with arugula, feta, & pomegranate seeds. It was all surprisingly delicious and light.

Back to the presents: From Anton and Alison, Jasper received some smartwool socks and a set of natural paints. From Wendy and Memere, two Carl books - Carl is a Rottweiler who is a responsible babysitter and the story is mostly illustration with very little words. A couple presents arrived via post: From his Great Grandma in Nebraska a set of A.A. Milne books. From Nonny, 3 silk play clothes - rainbow, green, and brown. They are beautiful. Violet got some too and they spent some of the evening running around with the rainbow ones tied as capes. I also got my "secret santa" stocking! Memere had me this year - she had me a few years ago, and Wendy had me last year - so it's like Wendy had me 3 times since she does all the shopping for Memere. I wasn't expecting to get my stocking till I got back from NC - which I was fine with. So, it was a nice surprise to get mine before I left. I honestly have no idea what to ask for or what I want for myself - but I managed to come up with a list and I received many of the items I asked for, including a Felting kit.

We will miss seeing Neda and Michael today, as Jasper and I are flying to Charlotte to see my Dad. We return in time for New Years, so I can work all weekend. Then Jasper and I go away again on a car trip to Baltimore, Philadelphia and finally, NYC where I meet up with Nick and pass Jasper to him so I can have my first full weekend away.

It's an exciting time of year!

Yeah Baby

Danced till 2am after work tonight. I had so much fun - like I was 10 years younger! I know I'll regret it in the morning when Jasper wakes me up - but it's been awhile since I danced like that, so what the hell. Yeah Savoia in Hudson.