Good Mother

I've been struggling with being a good mom to my nearly 4 year old son. He's a great kid. I love him more than anything. Yet, when he has a temper tantrum, which is more frequent now than in any other time so far, I nearly lose my mind.

Of course, there are a lot of factors that bring these tantrums on: he's individuating, I'm pregnant and more limited than I previously was, he knows I'm pregnant and surely has fears about what that means for him when the new baby comes, and he's almost four.

The almost four part relates more to me. Being a parent also reopens memories from my own childhood. And although I do not remember being four that clearly anymore, I do know it was a significant time in my life. My parents divorced. My dad took me and my sister to Nebraska, far from my mom. There was a lot of upheaval. Suddenly my own issues about being mothered (& fathered) have emerged much more strongly as I look at myself in my son and see my mother in me.

Then today, as I was leaving the grocery store, I walked pass a red pick-up truck with a mother loading the truck bed with groceries and an older woman inside. There was a space behind the seats in the cab for people to sit, though narrow, and a small child, about my son's age, maybe younger, was sitting in the back. As I was walking by, I hear the older lady inside yell, "God damn him" and smack the kid. I hear what sounded like his head against the inside of the cab. I cringe. The mother comes to the passenger door and yells, "Why did you bite her?" The tone of their voices are harsh and without compassion. I do not know their circumstances, and I should not judge them. I feel so much sadness for this small child. And I wonder what the karma is for all of them.

And I think about my own son and how much I want to hit him when he tries to bite me, or hits and kicks me in his tantrums. And I feel grateful for my awareness to stop myself, to know that it's only a thought and I can be more to him than he understands himself. And that I am an adult with more refined capacity for understanding my feelings and curbing my reactions than he can. And I can look more deeply into myself to search for where I am coming from and be resourceful in finding help for myself so that I can be the parent I want to be. Be the model for him to refer to when he is older as an example of how to be when other people are challenging to be around, including those you love. And make him feel safe, above all else, to be who he is and feel loved no matter what. And I am able, just a little bit, to forgive myself for not being as good as I think I should be.