change is hard

My first child has been annoying me. I don't know how to be a better mommy when I am so irritated by him. His laugh is no longer genuine and spontaneous - it sounds maniacal and fake. He makes all kinds of sounds that are no longer exploratory but boisterously obnoxious. He's spastic and unaware of the repercussions of his bodily movements or his strength. I am constantly saying, "stop" or "don't" as he does all of these things uncomfortably close to his baby sister. He's made her cry when he taps her too roughly or clasps her too tightly. I hardly know how to talk to him to teach him or show him, as it seems when I do he's ignoring me and making some inane sound to drown me out. All this and he's just four.

Then there are these moments where he's completely self involved and telling a story with bits of nothing as the playthings. Or yesterday, when he was having a snack and so happy with it that his whole body vibrated and his baby sister just laughed and laughed at him. Or today when he laid down on the blanket in our backyard next to her as she just completed rolling over to her belly and they stared at each other smiling while she raised her head up and kept it up just to look at him.

We are in the middle of the 3rd week off from school before "summer camp" begins. I was much more creative with our time together - bringing him places, creating art projects, etc before I got pregnant. It's dwindled down to almost nothing now. I feel sad that he spends so much time entertaining himself while I nurse, feed or comfort the new baby. I think he might be sad for the change too.

Tonight I put both kids to bed on my own while Nicholas attends an all night Tee Pee ceremony for my brother's birthday. I really couldn't wait for bedtime. I wanted some peace. I feel so stiff and military while I cajole my child to eat dinner, stay in his seat, and stop playing and take a bite of food. Then it's upstairs and I bathe both kids. The cajoling continues as I demand that he take his clothes off and put them in the laundry. It all seems to take a lifetime to get through. But after the bath, it's starts to mellow. The baby is nursed and sits in her bouncy chair while Jasper snuggles into his bed with his bunny and I read him a goodnight story. One I had not read in awhile since Nick does bedtime with him now. And afterwards, I sing several songs. Ones I used to sing when I did bedtime before the baby. Songs I've been singing to him since he was a baby. During this routine, he softly says, " Mommy, I don't want my bunk bed anymore." I reply that we can talk about it tomorrow.

All his wacky antics are just his way of behaving in change, I am guessing. Having me put him to bed and singing those songs and saying he doesn't want his bunk bed is his was of saying he misses me putting him to bed. He had a queen bed before the baby came and often I'd sleep with him in it. Or at least snuggle him till he fell asleep. And he always fell asleep while I sang to him. It calms him, soothes him, makes him feel safe. It calms me too. Tonight he was asleep by 7:15pm. The baby was asleep by 8pm. It was an easy night. I just want to be able to relax during the day and be more free with my manner and less restricting of my son. He really is so sweet and delightful, despite all the fart and butt talk.