Marriage is Hard Work

12 years ago or so I went to one of THE best weddings I  have ever attended. It was on a period boat that motored around Manhattan. It was in the Fall, on a beautiful night. The moon was full and hung low and golden above the skyline. I was moved to tears by the speeches people gave and the vows the couple read. The food was incredible, spreads of meats and cheeses, hors d'oeuvres, wine and beer. An amazing dinner and a beautiful and delicious cake. I did not attend with a date, I went with my sister. We danced all night till the boat docked. It could not have been a more perfect wedding for a more perfect couple. They were meant to be. 

Their story seemed even more romantic. He pursued her till eventually she fell in love with him. I even remember him telling me over a phone conversation we shared shortly after I graduated from college that he'd met the woman he was going to marry. He nearly died in a car accident and she stood by his side helping him to recover. He lost his best friend in that accident.

They moved from Soho to Brooklyn and I moved to Brooklyn shortly after they did (or was it before?) Those short years that we lived near each other were great. I got to know her much more. We all went out a lot together. We had fun. I witnessed how much they cared for each other and wanted that kind of relationship for myself. I felt intimately involved in the wedding planning. I cared just as much about the success of their wedding as I did for their marriage. I introduced them to their first dog as a married couple. Then, they moved to Rhode Island where they bought an amazing house and had their first child. She visited NYC a lot with their daughter and always seemed to make a point of seeing me when she did. It made me feel special and it fostered our friendship. He rarely came to visit, and it seems I grew to know him less despite our close friendship during college.

They both came with their daughter to my wedding, which was, in mood, highly inspired by theirs.

When I had my first child, she was my contemporary inspiration for pursuing a home birth, as she was the first of my friends to have her daughter at home.

These two people, who I love and admire, who make up the duo of one of my favorite couples, are getting divorced, I am sad to say. And while I am no stranger to divorce, my parents are divorced as are many of my friends parents. I am my husband's second wife. My best friend from college is divorced twice. I never expected them to get divorced. I am so sorry for this news. I don't even know what to say it is so surprising to me. Still, somehow, I am not surprised, because I know they have struggled with their own life baggage and their own relationship. And also I know very little because we've been so out of touch these last few years.  But if they can't make it, what does that mean for me? How will I make it? My husband and I struggle with many of the same issues (I suppose) with the exception of money - that may be one of our biggest struggles, and one I don't think they struggle with at all. Sometimes I feel that if my husband and I had a little more monetary comfort, some of our struggles would lessen: we could afford more therapy, take vacations, pay for a babysitter to go on dates, buy a bigger car now that we have two kids, the list goes on. They've been able to afford these things and still they are calling it quits.

I only found out this news because we are going to visit them in a couple of weeks. I suppose I would have found out sooner or later, but it's sooner because of this visit. After she told me of their decision to split, she asked if we still wanted to visit or if it'd be to uncomfortable. Of course it might be uncomfortable, but of course we still want to visit. Life goes on. She sounds pretty great despite the upheaval and chaos. As witness to their vows and the perfect wedding I attended years ago, I want to shout don't give up! Remember how you were! Bring it back to life! I want my family and friends to help me keep my marriage just as they all committed to do during my ceremony. And yet, I also know that marriage is very hard work and sometimes its too hard. I'm just so sad.