School is going well. I am definitely the shusher, but I feel more connected to the children and less like the disciplinarian. One particular child who seemed like she was adjusting well, spoke to her mother about me and that led to a parent meeting. The parent was worried I was too strict. It was an exact reflection of my concerns with my role as the "shusher" and also brought forth many memories of my own scary experiences of my first grade teacher and strict home life with my stepmother. The meeting went well. After the meeting, which lasted an hour, I was headed back to the car, and while in the parking lot, the mother called to me. She had meant to share one other thing with me. She didn't know my position was voluntary and said thank you for being here. She thought it was important that I was there and was grateful I was doing what I was doing. I told her I'd made a lot of sacrifices to be here and it meant a lot to me that she acknowledged me. I hadn't known how much I needed to hear that and was surprised by the tears it brought as soon as I was closed into my car. As a result, I think this experience helped me to feel more connected with my new role.
Today , however, while we were at a wonderful little Fall festival at the Martin Van Buren house, I found myself "assisting" the broom-maker when a boy-child was twisting the string to be used as the loop for hanging up the broom. He'd shown him how to pull the string tight and twist. The boy let the string slack and wasn't making progress. I repeated the broom-makers instructions. Some other mothers who were watching asked me if he was my son, I said no. They thought I was because of the way I was talking to him. I said, "Oh, I'm an assistant first grade teacher and couldn't help myself." One of them laughed, having been a teacher herself. I went away with the feeling that I needed to keep a check on my boundaries.
I have noticed that I feel more comfortable with kids again. It's one thing to have your own child, but to relate to other kids, is another story. I was a little scared when I first started working for Liz - she was a natural, so at ease. I felt the kids would see right through me. What did I have to offer? And this entire summer with Liz really prepared me for first grade in the ways I thought it would, but I wouldn't know until I was actually doing - taking action - how much my planning would become reality. Practice really helps.
I sing more again. I feel my steps are lighter somehow. And even though we make even less money than we did last year and Nick still doesn't have a job and Winter is on it's way (yikes!) I feel more hopeful than I did last Fall. I am still taking it week by week, day by day, like sticking my toe in the water and inching in before swimming, so I can check in frequently with myself to see where I want to go and if I like where I am going. It's a slow process. I become impatient sometimes. Everything can't happen overnight.
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