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6pm - Violet eats dinner. And she loves to eat. She opens her mouth before you even dip the spoon into the jar and keeps opening it for more for 30 minutes straight. She actually complains if you don't get the food into her mouth fast enough.
6:30pm - she gets a 4oz bottle. And she drinks it without falling asleep. By 6:50 I have changed her diaper (a little struggle there - and by far the hardest part of the night) and I sing to her and dance her around in my arms. Her eyes get droopy.
7pm - I lay her in her crib. She wails a teeny little cry. One cry. Then it's silent. She is asleep by the time I get downstairs. I do not know what to do with myself.
I should have brought my sewing project. A magazine. Thank god I brought my reading homework. But I have 2 hours to kill and I am not in my own home. It's been so long since I have had this kind of freedom.
Apparently, she also sleeps through the night. By herself. In a crib.
Ok, so I hate cribs. I tried one and it really didn't work for me. But I love the portable crib. And that doesn't work for Jasper. And he's not an eater. And he loves titty-milk. And while I get decent sleep bedsharing, I just think my life wouldn't be as hard if I'd had a girl. Boys seems to be harder. Even the majority of the ones I know seem to be similar. Things started out extremely hard and have gotten MUCH MUCH better. But being the babysitter for my niece tonight gives me a little glimpse into a different life.
When I changed her diaper, it was foreign territory - no floppy penis - no risk of spraying pee-pee. No fingers tugging mercilessly at the little pee-pee tassel. She was squirmy, but nothing compares to Jasper's squirminess. I've been changing his diapers standing up for months.
Right now, if I was at home, it's chaos compared to this (and I thought it was mellow):
6pm- we try to have dinner. It's a messy dinner: most food flies onto the floor, gets spit out, or gets wiped across the table. Half-way through my own dinner, Jasper stands up in his high chair (we still need to fix those straps) and full of food, wants to sit in my lap.
7pm - bathtime. Or it used to be. Now it's sponge- bath time. Jasper hates the bathtub now. So I wash his hands and face and hiney with a washcloth. I put him in a fresh diaper and pjs then we head to his room and read books.
8pm - bedtime. Well, I try to start it earlier so he's asleep by 8pm. But that's not always possible. He struggles against sleeping. He cries when I put him down awake - stands up in the "crib" or rolls around giggling. When he finally falls asleep, it's in my arms in the rocking chair. Sometimes nipple in mouth. I frequently pull the nipple out as his nursing slows. Sometimes he's asleep by 7:50, sometimes 8:15 and then there are times when it's 8:40. On average, it takes him 30mins to fall asleep. But he wakes up 1-3.5 hours later. I never know.
Being here tonight makes me want to change all of this. But HOW? I don't want to sit through crying it out. I am afraid that he wakes up frequently due to hunger since he doesn't eat a lot during the day. I don't want to starve him - well, make him have hunger pains.
Ever since I had a baby, I don't know how to cope. My capacity for multi-tasking, finishing thoughts, coming up with words that I previously knew, finishing projects, starting projects...has diminished. At least in my own home. When I am not at home, I don't feel distracted. I still can't remember words (or other things,) but my focus returns. But at home, I am in a black hole, a void. Everything is a chore and I can't seem to get through the muck. And I feel alone alone alone. Truly. I can't even get it together to figure out my cell phone situation. So that isolates me even more.
I want my old self back. The one who could get a painting project done over the weekend. Who could decorate a room and keep the public spaces of her home in basic order. Who could plan meals and cook them. Who didn't forget to pay bills. Who was resourceful. There is more, but I can't remember right now.
Don't get me wrong. I want all this and my son. No regrets there.
2 comments:
First, I am a friend of Christina Pappas and also a new mom!
Second, I totally undetstand what you are going through. My daughter is 4mo old and I have had many of your thoughts. It is very tough giving up all of your privacy and freedoms all at once. I have heard from many new moms and it has been my experience that you need your rest in order to feel sane. In order for that to happen it seems that you really have to set limits for your son or he will be controlling your life and you need your own life ( and you need privacy for your sanity!!) It is important to set limits also and to teach him now because that is how life works, better him realize there are boundaries in life at an early age, rather than he be miserable learning this in school. He should weigh and be old enough to not eat at night, and if you don't feed him at night, he may eat more during the day! This way, if both of you are sleeping at night you will be rested during the day and be happy and enjoy each other as your should!! (It may even help the lonely feeling) Part of the blessing of having a baby is to really enjoy them and get to know them! Sorry to run on, I just wanted to reach out to another mom and see if I could help. Hope you start feeling better. Barbara
Hi Soheray,
Just browsing through your blog via Tevita's blog. This particular entry reminds me of the difference between Elahe and Tevita as babies. She was SO easy and slept through the night right from the start. I thought I had the parenting thing licked; short lived, as Tevita came a long just a year later. He didn't sleep through the night until middle school. But it all works out in the end and the time passes by too quickly.
Love,
Aunty Vala xoox
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